Did every eighties house have these?

If you grew up in the UK during the 80’s you may have fond memories of rushing home from school at 3.45, darting around the streets on your paper round riding a BMX or Chopper like Streethawk, in order to get home quickly and plant yourself in front of the TV ready for Paddington Bear, Danger Mouse, Dogtanian and the 3 Muskerhounds or any of a number of other fabulous cartoons or children’s shows that filled the gap before tea time!

Less ‘cool’ memories, but still cherished because they were a part of the background of your childhood, may be those objects that seemed to appear around your family home and somehow spread like a porcelain and plastic disease into your friends and relatives houses.

I’m talking about all manner of awful nastiness that your parents must have been forced or brainwashed to decorate their homes with because, let’s face it, why the hell else would they?

Here’s a round-up of the most heinous crimes against décor committed by our parents in the name of taste!

We’ll start with some staple old-time randomness. I actually quite like these so I’ve put them first because believe me, it gets a lot weirder!

Trawler-balls

Trawlermen keep their balls in string bags

I’m not sure which came first, Tom Baker’s TARDIS walls, or these light shades, but they both spread quickly across the planet!

Light-shade

Light shade made from recycled TARDIS walls

It seems like 80’s parents loved nothing more than to collect random crap and display it to all of their drab Tupperware party guests by covering every available square inch of wall space with their lovingly mounted trophies of crazy!

Spoon-collection

SPOON! not in the face!

Thimble-collection

Just how many fingertips do you own?

mini-plate-collection

If you’re going to buy tiny little plates, why not have them covered in renaissance art?

The sideboard didn’t escape weird collections either…

Little-animals www.tuckshopmemories.com

Micro-prey also available

Little-glass-animals www.tuckshopmemories.com

Reports of a radiation leak at the local zoo are unconfirmed

And if an army of miniature mutated glass animals wasn’t bad enough we now come to the seaside psychos favorite pass time; gluing tiny shells to paralyzed birds!

Shell-owls www.tuckshopmemories.com

Sealife and owls, together as nature intended

These shell encrusted avians didn’t get the mantelpiece all to themselves though, no, they had to share with any number of these cutesy little love-gushing sweetheart parodies that were churned out by the billion and installed into your home by the same people who claimed to love you.

Love-owls www.tuckshopmemories.com

Why assume the right one is male?

As you can see, owls cropped up more often in 80’s homes than in a teenage girls’ Harry Potter shrine of a bedroom. Here’s another one fashioned from string…

owl-string-art www.tuckshopmemories.com

Made from Emperor stringettes!

When they’d run their owl obsession down the dead end of lunacy your parents turned their attention to other ways of covering every flat surface in their home.

From glass fish…

Glass-fish www.tuckshopmemories.com

Use it as a goldfish bowl and the paradox would be devastating!

to porcelain infant rappers (check out the gold bling and sideways cap)…

Stile-council www.tuckshopmemories.com

The huge Ganja leaf is a clue to the inspiration for this piece

and of course, no eighties home would be complete without a selection of small brass animals

Brass-westies www.tuckshopmemories.com

West Highland Terribles

including this huge brass nightmare fly that is actually an ash tray!

Fly-ashtray www.tuckshopmemories.com

From the Seth Brundle museum of Fails

And no self respecting 80’s home would be caught without a huge shiny shire horse pulling a cart of barrels or a gypsy caravan

Horse-and-cart www.tuckshopmemories.com

It’s so SHINEYYYYYY!

Another staple of the home self-improvement brigade was 80’s holiday spam, and they loved to line kitchen cupboard tops and walls with the cheap, ridiculous and casually racist/sexist souvenirs brought back from their summer hols

tea-towel www.tuckshopmemories.com

…and on the back, your choice of Royal Wedding or Anniversary

Spanish-tipple www.tuckshopmemories.com

Neck and Chest Irrigation System TM

black-doll www.tuckshopmemories.com

I’ve got nothing, nada………….nope, I’m empty

Butlins-tin www.tuckshopmemories.com

Red Coats, if only Star Trek rules applied here…

Costa-brava-plate www.tuckshopmemories.com

If you received one of these, you knew a gangster.

Ornamental-stringed-instrument www.tuckshopmemories.com

Only rubber bands on a tissue box could be more annoying!

Sand-bottles www.tuckshopmemories.com

But they looked so bright and happy and cheery in the shop!

Straw-donkeys www.tuckshopmemories.com

The bona-fide way to smuggle exotic insect infestations and rare plant diseases into the country

Holiday-photo www.tuckshopmemories.com

Decorated mount: guaranteed to make a good photo look drab

Shell-frame www.tuckshopmemories.com

Finished covering wildlife in shells? Why not start on your photo collection!

Saucy-postcard www.tuckshopmemories.com

Sexist, racist, size-ist, yes; loved, absolutely!

bog-roll-girl www.tuckshopmemories.com

If you’re going to have a knitted dress it may as well conceal a bog roll!

This last section is a homage to the totally baboon crazy things that adorned your beloved family home, proof of the fact that in the 80’s, if it matched something else in your house, you didn’t buy it!

Needlepoint-flowers www.tuckshopmemories.com

Without the frame this looks like it’s stitched into the very wall!

Ships-wheel-barometer www.tuckshopmemories.com

Find me owning a ships wheel without a clock or barometer inserted? I think not!

worlds-biggest-stirrer www.tuckshopmemories.com

Oh how we laughed! (every time we looked at it, for years, and years, and years…)

Fan www.tuckshopmemories.com

I’m your biggest fan…

masks www.tuckshopmemories.com

Not even Loki would reside in these freak-show offerings!

And there’s no way we were leaving these off the list

Horse-brass www.tuckshopmemories.com

Just Why?

So there you have it. Let this be a lesson to future generations, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should!